Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Somewhere An IT Nerd Is Laughing

I don't care who you are, when you see an inappropriate security code...your day gets better.




Thursday, April 19, 2012

In The Made For TV Movie About Out Lives

Growing up, I watched a great deal of made-for-tv movies.  Why?  I'm not sure exactly, but it could have had something to do with the fact that we didn't have cable at my house.  Not because we didn't want to pay for the service, but because the cable companies didn't run cable "that far out" in the country.  We did eventually have one of those huge satellite dishes (where some channels were scrambled but you could catch glimpses of what was going on), but for the most part, we had 3 channel options.  So, made-for-tv movies were often the only thing available to watch.  And then came cable and the Lifetime Network - and I don't care who you are (macho or not), if you find yourself 5 minutes into a Lifetime movie, you are stuck there for the next two hours.  Whether you want to be or not.  (Man who married 6 women and each of them thought they were the only one? Serial killer after babysitters?  A teen who kills to be in a sorority?  Hooked, hooked, hooked.)

So last night, when my good friend Anna Beth texted me, it was just one more reminder that she and I share a brain.  

Anna Beth: In the made-for-tv movie about our lives, you will be played by Rachel Bilson.
Me:  Hahaha!  Love it.
Anna Beth:  I will be played by Ricki Lake.
Me:  No you won't.  Stupe.  You will be played by Katherine Heigl.  I'll end up being played by someone tragic, like Tracy Gold.
Anna Beth:  Maybe Elizabeth Berkley will be available to play me.
Me:  I'm sure she can take a break from porn to do that.  If so, I want Shannen Doherty to play me.

Rest assured, if anything happens in our lives that merit a made-for-tv movie, I will not allow a washed up celeb to "play" Anna Beth.  I will definitely hold out for the award winning actress who is looking for a quick and easy paycheck.  (Ahem, I'm talking to you, Holly Berry.)

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Stuff My Mom Says

My mom took my niece Haley to Lowe's yesterday.  I don't go to Lowe's, partly because I don't "do" home improvement stores but mainly because my friend Anna Beth works for The Home Depot (not like, in the paint department, at the headquarters in accounting) and she would murder me if I entered the "L" store.  That's not an exaggeration.  If she ever saw proof of me choosing Lowe's over Home Depot...I would sleep with one eye open.  I like her loyalty.  Fiercely loyal people are my cup of tea.

Anyhow, my mom was buying flowers at that store, and she had Haley-bug with her.  I called to see how her day was going and she proceeded to describe Haley's outfit and tell me how adorable she looked.  I asked her to send me a photo of her in the buggy (in the south we say "buggy" not cart) when she could.  I started to tell her goodbye, so she could take a photo and send it, and she told me to hold on.  I could hear her fumbling around and then, exasperated, she proceeded to ask her grandchild (the baby who can't make sentences yet) what she did with her cell phone.  "Where is it, Haley?  What did grandma do with her phone?"  

I almost ran off the road laughing when I said, "You're talking on it, mama."  Her response, "Ooooooooh.  I guess I am."

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Never Say Never

I think I said a time or 2,000 that I would never change my name again.  Well, I lied.

I've been putting off the trip to the Social Security office because, as someone pointed out earlier today, that place smells like people.  And people stink.  They either:  a) don't bathe often enough or b) wear a gallon of cologne.  Neither is ideal.

Today, as I sat with my number (S76), I looked around at all the people there at 1:20 in the afternoon.  What are all of these people doing?  Have you ever thought about that?  It's not like the Social Security office is busier at certain times of the year - it's always slammed.  What the heck is everyone doing there?  (I guess there's a possibility that the females are like me and change their name all the time, but there are far more men there than women.)  And, why do they feel the need to sit down in a row, then get up, then sit back down on the same row again?  Furthermore, when did these offices become so high tech?  My technologically challenged dad would not be able to handle it.  You walk in, use a touch screen menu and out pops a number.  The screen tells you to take a seat and wait for your number to be called.  No person talks to you at all.  You wait, on average, for 20-30 minutes and then a loudspeaker calls your number and directs you to a window.  (My window was F, as in Frank.  And yes, they said that.  I was thinking another f-word would have been more appropriate, but I digress.)

After I answered a few questions (from an actual human at Window F) and provided my marriage certificate, I was one step closer to having a new Social Security card.  The lady did feel the need to remind me, however, that you can only request 10 copies of your SS card in your lifetime...but that name changes didn't count towards that.  (Was that a dig, cubicle lady?)

During my lunch break at the SS office, I came into contact with bad attitudes, confusion, bad fashion, and a whiff of alcohol.  If I ever have to go back there, I'm taking a cue from the guy who drank hard liquor beforehand.  Because pre-gaming before a visit to the Social Security office* is genius.

*As long as you don't drive yourself.  Keep it legal, folks.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Sunday Night Science Experiments

Standing brooms have been all the rage on Facebook recently.  I finally decided to give it a go, and these were my results (I didn't even have to try to balance it - just plopped it on the floor and it balanced):

Text messaging with my mom:
Me:  My broom stands up.  What about yours?
Mom:  How?
Me:  Something about the way the planets are aligned and the gravitational pull...or something like that.  I saw it on Facebook so I tried it.  It worked!  Scott walked in the kitchen and there it was, standing up.  He thinks I'm crazy.
Me:  Try yours.  God, I'm just like you.
Mom:  I do not own a broom.
Me:  Hahaha.  Maybe we aren't as alike as I thought.  That, or my dogs shed more.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

All's Well That Ends Well

How the day was going:
I woke up to a heck of a storm that shook our entire house at one point.
My ankle gave out on my way into the office.
That caused me to spill coffee on my handbag.
I ate four bites of chicken salad for lunch at 3:00.
So, I developed headache.
I got a super annoying personal email.
I dealt with challenging clients.
My nail polish chipped.
I had to rush home so I could work a volunteer shift from 6-9.
For the second night in a row.

But then:
My husband had spaghetti made when I got home from work!
Our dogs wagged their tails and licked me when I walked in!
I changed out of my heels!
My friends were volunteering with me!
I laughed until my sides hurt (and drank 2 beers) at my volunteer shift!
Ryan Adams was playing on my radio!
I came home to my best friend!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

A Letter

Dear Angelina Jolie,
I'm going to shoot straight with you.  Most women don't like you.  It's partly because of that whole "stealing Brad Pitt from girl-next-door Jennifer Aniston thing" but mostly because you're a ridiculously beautiful and mysterious creature.  Women prefer to be the only beautiful and mysterious creature they know.

Remember when you inappropriately (is it ever appropriate?) kissed your brother on the red carpet back in the 90's?  Remember that time you wore Billy Bob Thornton's blood around your neck and made out with him in public every 5 seconds?  Remember when you became Goodwill Ambassador to Cuba (or wherever, geography isn't really my thing) and wore that same blue-grey shirt and green cargo pants for like, 3 years?  Remember when you won an Oscar for "Girl Interrupted" but then starting acting in crappy action movies?  I found all of these things odd, but I was willing to let them slide.

Then, you did that strange pose at the Oscars and got the whole country talking about it.  (Matt Lauer mentioned it on the Today show and I was horrified.  Why are serious journalists speaking about your scrawny leg?)  Why aren't they focusing on how anorexic you look?  Your stupid high-split-up-the-side dress hypnotized our country and has everyone talking about your pose and not about your weight.

Since no one else has addressed it, I will:  You're looking a bit frail these days, Ange.  I know you chase after those 36 children and fly back and forth to your villa in France a lot, but kindly take the time to eat a meal every now and again.  And none of that organic, raw food diet crap.  I'm talking meat, cheese, bread, french fries and a milkshake, mmmmk?

The next time I see that leg, I hope it's a little meatier.
Love,
M

p.s.  Poor Jennifer Aniston can't escape you.  Just when she thought you were fading out of the spotlight, BAM.  Every time she turns on her television she has to hear about your right leg's Twitter account.  Can't the girl get some peace?

Monday, February 27, 2012

Oscar Fashion - My Top 5

This weekend, I had the distinct pleasure of being a judge.  A pageant judge.  (You, with the face - hush.  This is Georgia.  We love hot rollers, sequins and pageants.)  It wasn't one of those scary Toddlers & Tiaras kind of pageants, although I have judged those and I must say - that show does the experience justice.  The mamas are crazy.  And, the kids don't know any better because their mamas are crazy.

Anyhow, after my judging stint this weekend, I was keyed up and ready for the red carpet walks during the Academy Awards.  Here are my Top 5 (and remember that I'm an expert judge here) favorite Oscar gowns/looks:
#5. Octavia Spencer
 #4. Michelle Williams
#3.  Gwyneth Paltrow
 #2. Cameron Diaz
 #1. (also known as the one I'd give the tiara to) Emma Stone
Apparently I'm having both a red and neutral "moment" (as celeb stylist Rachel Zoe would say) because these ladies were in a league of their own as far as I'm concerned.  If I had a fancy gala to attend soon, I would sell my house for Emma Stone's Giambattista Valli gown.  (Ok, I wouldn't, but I would search all over the internet for a copy cat version.)  I would probably also ask her to be my date, as she is my newest celebrity girl crush (replaced Anne Hathaway who replaced Reese Witherspoon), but I digress.

Friday, February 24, 2012

My Day vs. His Day

Today I went to work, spoke with some clients, made a few jokes, emailed more clients, checked some things off my to-do list, had lunch with friends, made some more jokes, did some more work and went home.

What did my husband do?

Well, you know - the usual.  On his way to speak to CEOs about the responsibility of leaders in a community, he chased three fleeing bank robbers and caught them.  In a suit and tie.

I know I'm his wife, and am therefore biased, but come on...that's all kinds of bad ass.